A bit of mommy guilt

I am sitting here on our couch downstairs feeling a little blue. Tate started his new school today, Our House, a Christian preschool about 5 minutes from home. He is such a big boy, he wasn't even phased that he is attending a different school from last year. He just woke up excited, put on his backpack like a college student and walked right in ready to play.

I know what many of you are thinking, "why are you so bummed out, Tate went to preschool last year?" Yes, yes, but that was two days a week. His program was even longer - 9 to 3. I don't know, I am having more trouble this go around. Well, "more" might be because I am fuzzy on the anxiety I felt a year ago. But this is a new school and he is going 3 days a week. Granted, it is only the morning, 8ish to 12:30. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel like the early years with my first baby at home with me are coming to an end. :( That thought makes me sad.

With that said, Tate so enjoys, craves and dare I say - needs - the stimulation of other kids. I am not a good playmate. Don't get me wrong, I can play Go Fish with the best of 'em and enjoy going down to the creek to cool off my feet like anyone else, but before I can even get through the entire Thomas song with Tate, something has to be done...Chase needs food or a new diaper, dinner needs fixing, whatever...LIFE!

Is it partly because we don't live in a typical neighborhood where Tate can play with friends in our backyard regularly? Maybe. Are these just commonplace feelings that any mom might have taking her child to school? I am not sure. Have I read too many posts and articles about homeschoolers who believe keeping a child home is the best and only way to go!? Or am I putting pressure on myself that I should be able to provide everything Tate needs at home - with crafts, activities, play, etc? These are questions I can't answer. I know I want the best for Tate and maybe have read and talked about all my options a touch too many times.

Bottom line, Tate loves school. He seems to crave the interaction with other kids that I just can't provide at home. If I were a mom who liked to be on the go constantly, I might be able to do a better job of getting him involved in group classes - music, gymnastics, swimming. But alas, I am not. I like to keep things simple, especially with a baby. And don't get me started on how fast Chase is growing, he is 7 months today and on his way to being a toddler.

One of the best pieces of advice my good friend Kathy Lewis gave me a long time ago is to look fresh at each year with each child and decide what is best. Right now, with our little Chaser as young as he is and Tate's needs for stimulation and friendships, I truly believe this is the best for this year. Am I still considering homeschooling? Maybe. Is public school in his future? Perhaps! AHHHHHH.....

Oh yeah, here Tate is as I was getting ready to leave him this morning. Another little boy asked him to play and that was it, he was off.

I leave you (really more for me so I can read it again) with a post from Sally Clarkson's (author and homeschooler) website (I Take Joy). When I read this post this morning, I felt like she was talking just to me!

Too many choices--replaced by love

Last night, around 7:30, I was sitting in a chair by my window up in my second story bedroom. Our home sits up on a hill that is about 7500 feet high, and we look out over tall Colorado pines with the mountains not too far in the distance. As I sat amidst the peace of my darkening room, I looked out on the horizon and across the sky, once again, the Lord had painted the most vibrant sky--luminous, "screaming pink"--(the color of shirts my mother used to love to buy for me!)--seemed to be dancing across the sky for those who would see it! Then fading into hews of orange and finally darkness. I was reminded again how present God is in all of our moments yet wondering how many people in my little town took the time to notice Him and His art.

I was pondering some of the dilemmas of modern, Christian life---way too many choices. Choices scream at us and block out the simplicity of Christ and His love and His voice. We live in a time of so many voices that represent so many choices--republican, democrat, independent; theologies--charismatic, reformed, catholic, baptist, emergent church, Bible church; public, private and homeschool; whole book, curriculum, or classical; pro-Shack people (referring to the book)--anti-shack people; is it acceptable to watch the dark knight or it is sinful --good imagery or poor imagery--dating or not-dating; what movies are acceptable; universalism or  limited atonement; whole foods or MacDonalds,  soccer or piano lessons; t.v. or no media at all; infiltrate culture or draw back and seclude, spanking or grace-based parenting; and on and on and on. And then there is the busy-ness associated with getting it all right and reading all the blogs and books and reviews and making all the choices--frenetic that we might make the wrong choice--yet confused in the midst.

So much wrangling over words and so much judgment and pride and finger pointing--what is the right way to believe? Who is the right authority? Such choice overload obscures the simplicity and presence of God. So many I talk to long to be close to Him, but find Him illusive. No wonder there exists so much shallowness in our culture--we are seeking so hard after the answers and He wants us to seek Him.

Now don't get me wrong, I am orthodox in my beliefs and trust in Jesus for my salvation and am so very grateful for this. But the older I get and the more countries I have seen and the more people I have worked with, the more I see that it is the heart--where love and faith and beauty and humility exist where the life of Christ flourishes. It is in Him and His presence that I find peace that transcends "getting it all right."

I find rest when I ponder the One who took small children into His arms to bless them; who gently and lovingly washed the disciple's feet, who threw the vibrant colors into the sky for me to enjoy last night. Jesus, came in simplicity--not a man of titles or authority--but the authority that comes from within.

I ponder His messages--admonishing us to give cups of cold water; taking care of our enemies as did the good Samaritan; parenting in such a way as to have the heart of the father looking every day for his prodigal son to return; encouraging us to be like the gentle, humble Mary who chose the "good part"--to sit at his feet and rest in his love and be filled with the life of His words--not being like Martha who was "worried about so many things."

It seems His priorities were for us to be anchored in character and deeds of goodness and kindness--the simplicity of being a good neighbor, giving grace and forgiving as we have been forgiven--making bridges of peace--not walls of separation.

Jesus had great scorn and condemnation for the Pharisees who "tie up heavy loads and lay them on men's shoulders," --those who were so dedicated to defining every jot and tittle of the law. Just t his morning, I was reading in Matthew 23:23 where Jesus says to them, "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others. You blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel."

Then I read in John 14 and 15, some of the last chapters recorded of Jesus's personal messages to his disciples. "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled or let it be fearful."

He comes not to give as the world gives to us--but peace--restful, filling, assuring peace--that keeps us from being troubled or fearful.

There is so much more. But, the God who told us the most important commandments were to love Him and love others, is the gentle shepherd who will not judge us today if we get all the answers and choices right, but if we abide in Him, love Him, rest in Him and walk in the abundance and security of His love for us and His redeeming love for those needy in our lives who need not just answers and words, but love, forgiveness, healing and peace.

Lord, let me today and every day, abide in you, see you, rest against you--"not being concerned with things too difficult for me, but composed, like a weaned child rests against his mother, so will my soul be within me." (Psalm 131)